Fighting Fair

Awhile back I heard of a couple who divorced due to the husband's belief that "Celestial couples don't fight". What a load of crap! If that be the case then I'm for sure hell-bound. I can see how someone raised with strong patriarchal and conservative views might see a perfect marriage being the man in charge and the woman raises his children without any difference of opinion. However, our society does not operated based on Victorian-age values and hasn't for quite some time. I think we have stigmatized fighting as a bad thing, and it can be if half the neighborhood can hear you or you end up on Cops. It can also be a good thing and if done right, can bring a resolve to an issue holding back the relationship. Here are some tips on achieving conflict resolve:

*Before you dive right into the issue, try to sort through your feelings on the subject. Figure out how you really feel and come up with "I" statements - rather than saying, "You're so lazy and never help around the house" you can say, "I feel overwhelmed when there is so much on my plate. I would really appreciate your help." I-statements point out how a behavior or action makes you feel. It lessens the feeling of being attacked, unless you say, "I feel like you're lazy", which is not a good I-statement. To respond in a rational manner people need to feel safe in a conversation or they'll shut down or retaliate, and the issue never resolves.

*Be a listener. Two people can end up just talking at each other if they are not listening and responding to what their partner is saying. If you actively listen and try to understand where the other is coming from, a compromise can be reached easier than worrying about making sure you are heard. Quit worrying about being right and focus more on what is right for the two of you.

*Please, please, please avoid name calling, ultimatums, throwing in the kitchen sink, etc.! These are known as escalators and manipulators and get you nowhere in an argument. So cut the theatrics! Oh and crying to get your way... that was so pre-school.

*Don't say you're ok with something when you are not (ladies especially). If your partner thinks the two of you have reached an agreement and you're still seething inside, let them know. Take a breather before you try to find a new compromise you also can be happy with. And be sure to give a little. Not to say you have to give in completely, but be sure to be flexible in your expectations. If you are more concerned with getting your way rather than finding a happy medium, there is definitely an unhealthy need for power.

*Always be sure to kiss and make up. Remember you are in a relationship that needs to be nourished, especially after a disagreement. Hug, hold hands, kiss, smile, or give a playful wink. Whatever you choose, just make sure it is sincere and shows the other you care.

It is easy to be brutally honest with the ones we love because we expect they will always be there. If you don't learn to fight fair, they may not be one day. Be respectful and as Bill and Ted were once told, "Be excellent to each other". Take care everyone.