The Last

This blog was started out of frustration of watching a bad marriage I wanted so badly to fix. I got so frustrated from watching the wife belittle her sweet husband that I thought reading what I had to say would be more effective than just saying them. I wanted to help not only them, but as many others as I could reach. I wanted to inspire others to be better and give them a safe place to talk and work through issues. However, this blog didn't turn out the way I hoped. Due to that and a certain stupid crazy girl, I have decided to let it die. It just makes me sad and frustrated now. Thank you to all who actually read what I had to say, whether you agreed or not. Many thanks to my wonderful husband for all his support. Take care everyone and be good to one another.

Fighting Fair

Awhile back I heard of a couple who divorced due to the husband's belief that "Celestial couples don't fight". What a load of crap! If that be the case then I'm for sure hell-bound. I can see how someone raised with strong patriarchal and conservative views might see a perfect marriage being the man in charge and the woman raises his children without any difference of opinion. However, our society does not operated based on Victorian-age values and hasn't for quite some time. I think we have stigmatized fighting as a bad thing, and it can be if half the neighborhood can hear you or you end up on Cops. It can also be a good thing and if done right, can bring a resolve to an issue holding back the relationship. Here are some tips on achieving conflict resolve:

*Before you dive right into the issue, try to sort through your feelings on the subject. Figure out how you really feel and come up with "I" statements - rather than saying, "You're so lazy and never help around the house" you can say, "I feel overwhelmed when there is so much on my plate. I would really appreciate your help." I-statements point out how a behavior or action makes you feel. It lessens the feeling of being attacked, unless you say, "I feel like you're lazy", which is not a good I-statement. To respond in a rational manner people need to feel safe in a conversation or they'll shut down or retaliate, and the issue never resolves.

*Be a listener. Two people can end up just talking at each other if they are not listening and responding to what their partner is saying. If you actively listen and try to understand where the other is coming from, a compromise can be reached easier than worrying about making sure you are heard. Quit worrying about being right and focus more on what is right for the two of you.

*Please, please, please avoid name calling, ultimatums, throwing in the kitchen sink, etc.! These are known as escalators and manipulators and get you nowhere in an argument. So cut the theatrics! Oh and crying to get your way... that was so pre-school.

*Don't say you're ok with something when you are not (ladies especially). If your partner thinks the two of you have reached an agreement and you're still seething inside, let them know. Take a breather before you try to find a new compromise you also can be happy with. And be sure to give a little. Not to say you have to give in completely, but be sure to be flexible in your expectations. If you are more concerned with getting your way rather than finding a happy medium, there is definitely an unhealthy need for power.

*Always be sure to kiss and make up. Remember you are in a relationship that needs to be nourished, especially after a disagreement. Hug, hold hands, kiss, smile, or give a playful wink. Whatever you choose, just make sure it is sincere and shows the other you care.

It is easy to be brutally honest with the ones we love because we expect they will always be there. If you don't learn to fight fair, they may not be one day. Be respectful and as Bill and Ted were once told, "Be excellent to each other". Take care everyone.

Check your nutrition label

Hi everyone! Sorry it has been so long... I just finished a fairly intense summer school class. Anyway, I had a thought the other day and I was wondering... wouldn't it be nice if people came with "nutrition labels"? You know, so we could know if they were good for us or not? At times we end up in relationships that are not always best for us, but they are comfortable and enough to satisfy us at the moment. Or we know very well the other person is not good for us, but we feel better being with someone. If you know there's better out there, someone who would treat you better and make you really happy, would you want to sacrifice that for something that is merely "good" for you? Would you actually want to be with someone simply because you are the one that's good for them? It all seems rather unfair doesn't it. Perhaps a few of you out there need to reread the nutrition label and decide whether or not they're good enough. I promise, doing so will improve your health.

Another thought I had came from some recent news that an old boyfriend is getting married this summer. I won't lie, it stung a bit. Why though? I'm happily married and haven't seen this Ex of mine in over 2 years. The only thing I can think of is no one likes the idea of being replaced, that we weren't good enough for that person. In my head, there is something about this girl that makes her better than me and it's slightly depressing. Is this true? I don't know. As I thought more about it I decided that it is healthier to stop thinking about it and let it go. The grass is the same color green anywhere you step. Holding on to past relationships keep us from moving forward in new ones and being happy. It makes us doubt our choices and could sabotage a perfectly good current relationship. So I am letting go and not worrying about the fact that I'm not a nurse who got to travel and looks all perky and cute. Moving on does not have to mean loss, but more so learning.

Lost in Translation

A lesson of value for us all:

So I didn't know where to exactly post this... so I just saw all of these stories and decided here would be safe :)

OK. So to start out I have been in a lot of relationships and most of them last a long time. Now I don't like rushing relationships. I think that some of them need time to develop properly. So I hold off on the kiss or saying "I love you" till I think I really mean it but once this happens something changes dramatically in the relationship and I don't know how to fix it. Now I just started dating this wonderful man a couple months ago. I care about him so much. He's amazing and is a "Man" but still respectful. Now in the beginning I told him that a kiss means a lot to me and explained to him that I wanted it to be "right time" when we kissed because in the past something happens to the guys after the kiss and we start separating and I did not want that happening to us. He told me he respected my feelings. He was very patient and I finally felt like our relationship had developed enough to where I could kiss him and we wouldn't fall apart. So we kissed. As the week went by I started feeling different and I noticed I was distancing myself from him hard core. He told me he was getting mixed signals from me and didn't understand why... I tried to figure out what was going on and when I started acting different. And immediately I figured out that it was right after we had kissed... It wasn't the guys that changed after we kissed... It was me. I completely broke down because I realized I had been the one ruining all these relationships. It wasn't the guys, it wasn't this kiss. It was me. Something happens to me. But why? Why is it after I kiss each of them? Why is it almost immediately after we kiss? What am I doing?

Dearest Distanced,

While I can't pin point the exact underlying cause for your relationship departure I can tell you this much. 1) Congrats on figuring out the cause for your relationship dissolutions. 2) As cliche as it may be it sounds like you have some sort of fear of opening up and giving your heart away. I can relate, I know how hard it can be. As hard as it is, now is the time to sit down and really evaluate your life - what is holding you back? Are you scared of the end of the relationship and getting hurt? Are you afraid of getting too serious and not being ready for a commitment? This fear is crippling you from experiencing life, from feeling emotions that are good. Loving someone is easy, but letting them love you back is hard. You have to be honest and let them see you even if it means risking being judged. And if this "man" you speak of is as amazing as you think he is I'm sure he won't walk away because he sees something less than perfect.

Love hurts and it takes work, but loneliness is a feeling I wish on no one. When you are brave and open up your heart I promise you will have experiences that will make you grow and I know you won't regret it. Be brave dear and let yourself love and be loved :}

Love in Unlikely Places

Hello everyone! Sorry it has been awhile... I've been busy with the end of the semester and also haven't felt very inspired to write, until today. As I was browsing MSN today my eye was immediately drawn to an article about a woman who fell in love with a transgender man. Intrigued I immediately clicked and began reading. While it had seemed strange at first Allison's story was one that oozed overcoming obstacles and painful pasts, and being open to finding love in unlikely places. As I have said before, if you're in a bit of a dating "rut" try something new. Date someone who you wouldn't consider "your type", try speed dating, divert away from your usual dinner and a movie routine. What I'm really trying to say is step out of your comfort zone and you might be excited by what you find. Here's the link to that article

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=23686396

This and That

Hello! It has been awhile since we last chatted hasn't it? During my absence I have had much deep thinking about myself, my life and my marriage.

*I had been growing increasingly grumpy an unsatisfied with life and wasn't sure why... that is until I spoke with my sis one day. She helped me realize that I had lost myself. When entering a relationship it is easy to lose who we are and chameleon-ize for that other person - whether it be to impress the new significant/their family or because you feel pressured to conform. When I got married I had a whole other family very different from my own, new people at church, and I freaked out a bit. I knew married life would be different, but I didn't realize how different. What has made it so difficult is trying to be a new person. I thought, "Now I'm married I have to be like this, this, and this." Well I hate it and I'm not doing it anymore. I haven't felt like myself in a VERY long time, but I'm slowly regaining my footing on who I am and who I'd like to be. Just be you! This advice goes for a relationship at any stage. No one likes an imitation. I mean, really, who actually prefers Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper?

*I have a newfound hatred for nagging and rude people. If you constantly nag someone and are shocked that they avoid you, you are an idiot. That's like chowing down on ice cream every day and being surprised you got fat. And rude people with a lack of manners shows a lack of respect for others. Especially for someone you are in a relationship with. If you are constantly disrespecting the one you're with, and think they will just take it, you're in for a rude awakening. Trying to build someone up instead of bringing them down to your miserable level is much better because they will try to bring you up with them.

*Honesty can hurt and hurt bad, but it is crucial to any healthy relationship. It's like resetting a bone so it can heal properly. If left alone you're going to have a messed up arm or leg. If you let something fester between you and your significant it's going to get messed up.

*Last random item of the week - I just read this article on MSN.com and found there to be a great lesson in it http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=23709555&gt1=32023

I hope all is going well and as always, I'm here if you need me XOXO

Check it!

Hello and happy spring break!!!!! Just a head's up on a few things this week...

*I did a webcast radio show of sorts last week and it was a blast! You can hear that at 4horsemen.com tomorrow, I believe.

*With some extra time this week I'll be revamping a few things on here with the help of my blog-savvy sister. Until I get those changes made I'm going to hold off on my weekly-wise-words, but as always if you have any questions just ask :}

~Take Care xoxoxo

Time may heal wounds, but not necessarily scars

After a particularly hard trip through the dating world, my heart hurt. It hurt bad and I was tired. So tired in fact that I came up with a therapy I lovingly call a "Cardio-ectomy" or a removal of the heart. I didn't want to put myself out there anymore, I was done. I put my heart away for some much needed RandR and didn't worry about romance. During that time I took a time out for me. Not in a selfish sort of way, more so I focused on school, went to lunch and a movie by myself, did a little shopping and hung out with my girls. You know what? I felt better, not all the way, but better and eventually I was able to move on. My wounds had healed, but my scars were there to keep me smart and remind me of lessons learned.

The other day I was browsing MSN.com and came across an article entitled "7 Signs You're Being Used" and I was reminded of that particular heartache. You see, sign #7 was about learning to make yourself happy instead of looking for that happiness in someone else. The main goal I try to help people reach is being happy and comfortable in their own skin before attempting to be in a stable relationship. If you are miserable with yourself, no one can fix your perspective for you, it has to come from inside you. Find out what you like about yourself. Find out what makes you happy. Then find someone.

But they started it!

Learning to say, "I'm sorry" had been a lesson I've had to work at quite a bit. My husband pointed it out, which at first I was annoyed, but he was right. I was a HUGE feminist in Jr. High and High school and thought the world (i.e. the male species) owed me an apology. I was the repressed gender right?? WRONG! What I have learned over the years, especially the last year-ish, is that it doesn't matter which gender you are it matters how you treat others. I don't think it's right to exert any power over someone else. It is time we start treating each other with respect. I know, I know, they started it... but that doesn't mean you need to continue it. It takes much patience and effort to learn to forgive and say sorry, but I'm telling you I am much happier in my marriage. And I know once you start being more forgiving so will your significant other.

To avoid any legal messes...

Hi all... call this a "legal disclaimer" of sorts. Just so we're clear, I'm not actually a licensed practicing psychologist. I am currently a psychology major who is in the process of getting my degree. Romantic relationships are what I find most interesting. I am constantly reading articles, books, and studies about love and relationships. Helping you and giving advice is my passion. I am doing this on my own time because I wanted to help. Think of me as a friend who gives great advice. I do not guarantee my advice will fix all your problems, especially because I don't know the situation entirely, but I try my best and call it like I see it. I hope this doesn't deter you from seeking out my help in the future.

Infinite x's and o's